IBELIEVE ONLYINLOVE

I remember when I was seven, I started to get scary dreams at night. Large black shadowed demons entered my dreams and I didn’t know how to escape from them. They were really nightmares. My dad and mom didn’t know why and what it was and they could not help me at all. Only keeping the light on at night. And that helped a little but, when I got really tired and felt really deep asleep, it started all over again. I was attacked by large black shadowed demons and I didn’t know how to escape. Then I spoke to an uncle of me, who had lived in Indonesia and knew about the spiritual world. I didn’t know what that was. He told me that I easily left my body when I was dreaming and simply entered the spiritual world. That’s how he called it. The world of demons and ghosts. But also the world of angels. It was a little bit like the world described in the Harry Potter movies with the good and the bad guys. The world with real magic. And he explained me that they got angry because I entered their world when I was dreaming. And they have real magical powers and they could really do me harm. He told me about the world of the soul, angels, demons, spirits, the evil one. He taught me how to ask for protection when I was attacked by demons. But he could not teach me how to stay in my body when I was dreaming, He said. That is your soul. Your soul is free. You can never control your soul. You can only be the follower of your own soul. When I was 12, I fell in love with the most beautiful boy in my class. A beautiful boy with deep blue eyes and golden hair like an angel. I really loved him. I went to a Christian school and once a week we got bible study. And at school the teacher of bible study told us that all homosexuals were sinners and would go to hell. I was really shocked. I felt my love for the boy break apart and I thought that that was the reason why these demons visited me at night during my dreams. I started to hate the teacher and I decided that I did not want anything from that Christian believe. I did not want a God who told me that it was a sin when a boy loved a boy. That I was a sinner, just because I was what I was. No, not for me. At my eighteenth birthday I got my father’s totally bumped rusty old motorbike. I loved that motorbike. I felt a like my father, during his hippy time in the 60’s when he was travelling all over the world, when I was riding his motorbike which was now mine. Two months later I crossed on my motorbike a large forest at night. It was really dark and through the forest was a very quiet straight motorway. The nice strong light of the motorbike gave a strong bundle of light forwards into the darkness of the forest. Then I started to feel sad. Feeling rejected being gay. And all the demons which came during the nights in my dreams. They became stronger and more mean, more powerful and more hungry. What did they want from me. Would it never stop. I wanted to step out. And suddenly I lost control. I opened the gas handle........